By Rebecca Grovenstein
Congratulations! You are new parents coming home with the sweetest and most precious cargo strapped into a car seat behind you. You start thinking about what your daily routines will look like, and how you get from this phase to walking across the stage at high school graduation. The answer is little steps!
Independence in early childhood doesn’t suddenly appear when a child starts kindergarten, ties their own shoes, or walks into school without holding a parent’s hand. It is built slowly through hundreds of small, everyday experiences. Many so ordinary that adults barely notice them.
Reaching, Rolling and Moving: “I Can Get There”
Before babies have words, they are already learning persistence and problem-solving. A baby reaching for a toy, rolling toward something interesting, pulling up to stand or taking those first uncertain steps is learning how their actions affect the world around them. What happens if I reach a little farther? Can I move my body another way? What if I try again? These early experiences build body awareness, coordination and confidence, but they also lay the earliest foundation for problem-solving and perseverance. Years later, that same willingness to keep trying will show up when a kindergartener is working to write a tricky letter, solve a math problem, or learn something that doesn’t come easily the first time.
The skill may change. The lesson underneath it doesn’t.
Try This: Get down on the floor during tummy time and play alongside your baby. Place an interesting toy just within reach — but not directly in their hand — and give them time to work toward it. Model reaching, encourage their effort, and resist solving every little frustration immediately. A little safe struggle is where problem-solving begins.
Putting On a Shoe: “I Can Do Hard Things”
Watching a two-year-old put on a shoe can require an impressive amount of adult patience. The shoe is backward. Then it’s on the wrong foot. Now the tongue is folded underneath. And just when you are tempted to say, “Here, let me do it,” something important is happening. That child is problem-solving!
Putting on a shoe requires sequencing, fine-motor coordination, spatial awareness, persistence, and emotional regulation. A child has to remember what comes first, notice when something isn’t working, tolerate frustration, and decide whether to try again or ask for help. When adults allow time for that process, children begin developing one of the most powerful beliefs they can carry into school and life: I can do hard things!
And when they truly can’t do it? That’s when one tiny word becomes a superpower: Yet. “I can’t put my shoe on…yet.”
Try This: Build in a few extra minutes so your child has time to try before you step in. Instead of doing the whole task for them, help with just the part that is stopping them. For example, say, “I’ll loosen the shoe, and you push your foot in.” And when you hear, “I can’t!” add the word “yet.”
Carrying a Backpack: “I Have a Role Here”
When a preschooler carries their own backpack into school, it may seem like a small responsibility. But the message underneath it is much bigger: “My things are important.” “I can take care of them.” “I have responsibilities.” “I am a contributing member of my community.” These same lessons are reinforced when children close the loop of tasks. They put away their dishes, return classroom materials to their proper place, clean up after an activity, place dirty clothes in a hamper, or help set the table. These aren’t simply chores. They teach sequencing, memory, organization, responsibility, and follow-through — all important pieces of executive functioning. A three-year-old who learns, “When I finish eating, my cup goes here,” is practicing the same type of thinking they will use later to remember, “When I finish my assignment, it goes in my folder, my folder goes in my backpack, and my backpack comes home.”
The task grows. The underlying skill grows with it.
Try This: Give everyday items a predictable “home” your child can reach. Their backpack goes on the same hook. Shoes go in the same basket. Their cup goes by the sink. Predictable routines help young children remember what comes next without an adult giving directions every step of the way. Instead of reminding, “Put your shoes away,” “Put your toys away,” try asking, “What comes next?”
Helping Set the Table: “I Am Needed”
Independence doesn’t mean doing everything alone. In fact, one of the most important aspects of becoming independent is learning how to contribute alongside others. A young child can carry napkins to the table, place spoons beside plates, help feed a pet, water a plant, or clean up toys with a friend. These simple responsibilities teach more than self-help skills. They build belonging. Children begin to understand that they have a role in their family, they have a role in their classroom, and that teamwork makes the dream work!
That sense of contribution builds confidence, empathy, and responsibility and eventually grows into the teamwork skills children need for group projects, friendships, classrooms, and communities.
Try This: Give your child one real job that belongs to them (not just a task to keep them busy). A two-year-old can carry napkins. A three-year-old can put spoons on the table. A four-year-old can help sort laundry or pack part of their lunch. Keep the job simple, consistent, and meaningful. Children gain confidence when they know, “My family needs my help.”
One of the greatest gifts adults can give young children is the space to try. That doesn’t mean leaving them alone with a task they aren’t ready for. Independence grows best when adults create predictable routines, provide age-appropriate choices, break difficult tasks into manageable steps, and offer just enough support for a child to experience success.
It was tricky putting that car seat in the backseat of your car as you prepared for your new baby to come home. But you kept trying, reading the manual, feeling under the seat for those hooks you had no clue were there. As an adult, you used problem-solving skills and gave yourself a whole afternoon of time to let yourself figure it out. You told yourself before this mighty and important task, “I don’t know how to do this yet.” But you did it! Your children are taking little independent steps, like putting on their shoes or carrying a backpack or setting the table, so they can one day follow in your footsteps and be a successful member of our Holly Springs community.
Becky Grovenstein is the owner of Lightbridge Academy in Holly Springs and Apex, and a former elementary school teacher.
